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Disaster Averted?


Jane, you ignorant slut.

I kid.

I should also stop thinking out loud as much. When a trip you plan on taking for less than $500 becomes $500 just for the flight, you're going to have the thought run through your mind that maybe you should reconsider things.

There's a site called farecast that can show you a charting of prices over the last number of days. Like this for my flight to see Elizabeth's niece get religionized.



I really like these things. Normally you can only feel the ass-raping of booking a retardedly priced airline ticket. With farcaster you not only get to see just how pricey your ticket will be, but you also get to see a fancy graphical representation of how deep they've inserted their junk.

Note the beginning of the graph. It's so cheap to fly that there appears to be no space between the price of the flight and zero. It bumps up a bit and then hangs there for a number of weeks. Then, from out of nowhere you see the chart rise out of control. It's as if some major, crushing blow was delivered to the airline industry causing an outrageous skyrocketing of prices.

What's that you say? Nothing happened? Then why does my ass hurt?

Coincidentally, this chart looks almost identical to any other location I could have flown these last two weekends. I checked my usual flight to Laguardia to see Elizabeth, which I've only paid over $250 for one time ($278, or something) and found those same flight patterns going for $850.

Vegas? $500.
Charlotte? $500.
Fargo? Who the fuck would go to Fargo willingly?

Also, this chart is a pretty close approximation to any given 10 minute period of teen life when you graph penis activity.

Bored on the bus...
Bored on the bus...
Bored on the bus...
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!

Where is my notebook?
There is my notebook.
Close my locker.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!

Boner Crisis Management is a 24hr job as a teen. You literally can't anticipate anything longer than ten or twenty seconds in advance. Anything longer than that and it's possible you'll find yourself forced into action. Hands in the pockets to adjust, while simultaneously covering up your excitement, is a very popular technique. Sitting down, getting your shirt untucked, and many other time-tested maneuvers are available.

I think this well known male teen problem is why women grow up with a sense of fashion and guys end up without one. Guys are too busy planning how to properly select their jeans (Thicker denim conceals a raging hard-on better) and shirt (An untucked shirt is a must) for solid boner management and never have time to learn about color schemes and such.

At any rate, fares had unexpectedly risen like a young Bracelet's junk from a bump in the road, and I thought out loud about whether it was smart to take the trip. Admittedly, I only got one thought out before she had to get off the phone. So all she heard was the first story of our call, which detailed the kindness of a friend who wanted to fly me out on his dime to hang for his birthday weekend in the city. This would, of course, give me some time to see Elizabeth while there. Win win, right?

The second part of the call had me explaining the flight prices from my hub and getting my one thought out about whether or not the price of the religionizing trip had skyrocketed past a point of being realistic. Then work jumped in, or as could be possible, she got pissed and didn't want to talk to me.

I left the call wondering about prices and working the computer hard. Honestly, I usually only search with that level of focus and ferocity when I'm trying to find hermaphrodite on midget anime porn.

I was determined to make it happen, yet there has to be a point where it just becomes too much, right? I mean, we're talking a flight that should never be over $250 going for $500. So you add in hotel costs, food, and whatever else that always seems to snare a chunk of your change while away for the weekend, and you've got a much more expensive weekend in the works.

(Before all you artsie lofties get your panties in a bunch, I'm explaining my thought process and not what was my final decision.)

And here is where Elizabeth gets it wrong. We both had this planned for a long time, though we also had plenty of other stuff planned beforehand. These plans all require airfare and spending money. We live in different states and can't drive to see each other. I make a huge effort to see her as often as possible. It's hard to buy the ticket for 3 trips away when you have two big trips coming up and need to be strapped with cash for those. I don't have the amounts I've spent to have time with her. It's the vast majority of my money though.

I don't do that much at home. I golf when I can, which this year has been a lot, but early in the year you can play for $30 because it's still spring here and courses lower their rates. I play in some soccer leagues, but that's around a hundred a pop and they last for 8 to 10 weeks. I don't go out to clubs. The only thing I do sometimes is get together with friends out of town, hit up the casino, or both at the same time. I don't do this as often as people might think and I usually don't spend any more than I would in a weekend with Elizabeth when I do.

So I feel like I spend all my money to see her, and it's pretty much true. I don't have much credit card space hanging out to help in these situations. I don't have a huge chunk of cash saved up to use. I've been spending the majority of my free monies to see her as often as possible. I'm currently low on funds.

Two grand for dental work (Thanks Mountain Dew!) and an "always seems to happen to the Bracelet" snafu at work that paid out a smaller than deserved bonus plus the timing of checks and recent trips had me confused as to how I would make this week happen.

I don't see the trip of the week previous as a terrible thing. Airfare was free and I'd be spending a minimal amount while there. Plus I'd get to see her. The following week was going to be tough to swallow regardless. A month later would have been easy. A month before would have been easy.

That all being said, I was able to book a last minute deal offer that had to include a hotel stay. We needed one anyways. This brought the hotel for three nights and my flight down to a combined $475. With that manageable amount, I happily booked and informed my lovely lady. But apparently spending almost all my money and time to see her while possibly having to make a tough decision to cancel one trip for the first time almost earned me some sort of worst boyfriend ever award. Ridiculous. She's totally worth being broke for, though. I'd just prefer to not bounce checks along the way.

So I learned my lesson. Don't talk.

So if you're reading at home, here are the numbers so far:

0 - Number of things I get to bring with me besides my bed and clothes.
0 - Number of times I've been right.
0 - Number of rooms I can design in our future home.
0 - Number of arguments I'm allowed to win.
0 - Amount of traveling cash I have left.


It's shaping up to be a good solid "partnership" for me, Team Bracelet. I know most of you are already doing what we're planning on doing. How in the hell do you ever get a chance to buy anything for the house, go anywhere with friends, or masturbate furiously in private, without completely offending your significant other?

I seriously think I need an opyca of the ecretsa anualma.

(Don't worry guys, that code is unbreakable. Nobody will know it was you or what you were sending me.)
  1. DrChako

    May 6, 2008 at 11:32 AM

    I don't even know where to begin with this one...

    Let's start here:

    There is no "ecretsa anualma." Sorry, but if there was, I'd have paid a million for it long ago (and I'd have made twice as much renting it out to poor saps like you).

    Next - Never, and I mean NEVER, write the sentence, "And here is where Elizabeth gets it wrong."

    Nice recovery though with the, "She's totally worth being broke for, though." Let's hope she reads far enough past the previous comment to get there.

    Finally - your column of zeros (i.e. Number of times you've been right) - ummm... get used to that. It stings less after a decade or so.

    Just sayin....

    -DrC

  1. Mattazuma

    May 6, 2008 at 12:46 PM

    Fartcast is a great theory, but doesn't seem to work well in practice. It told me for weeks last fall that prices for a trip to Vegas were going to go down. But they went up instead & cost me another $100.

    I suggest that you get used to always being wrong.

  1. elizabeth

    May 6, 2008 at 2:07 PM

    you've been right a whole handful of times, actually! and you left out this one:

    1,456,229 - times i've told you that you are the the best man ever (and really meant it)

    p.s. now would be a great time to mention how happy i am that i don't have a penis...that sounds like too much work.

  1. donkeypuncher

    May 6, 2008 at 2:38 PM

    It's not just proper jean selection that is important as a teen. You must also alternate the direction your boner is facing. Left,Right,Left,Right,Let,Right,Left... Never down. Else you look like the Great Gonzo. (I'm going to print those previous sentences out and stick them in a random book in the self-help section at Barnes and Noble.)

    Masturbate in private? Why would you want to do that? Isn't that what city parks are for?

  1. lil bro

    May 6, 2008 at 9:44 PM

    you know what is a great tool for masturbating?


    a green recliner!

  1. Kid Dynamite

    May 10, 2008 at 9:01 PM

    for a moment, reading about BCM, i thought that the Bracelet was back in effect... then, i got to the part where he realizes he's completely whipped and i banged my head against the wall, went to cry in my pillow, and rubbed my wife's feet.