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FRUSTRATED HOME SHOPPING


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Lady Bitchmore and I have been scouring craigslist and other outlets for a place to live in our future neighborhood. It's a good time to be looking, but an annoying era in which to do so.

The first problem: Pictures.

In what world do you live where you think you can put a pathetic description of your expensive house up for rent and fail to include a goddamn picture?!? You can't even fucking spell correctly, and worse than that, you aren't smart enough to click on spell check. But that aside, what makes you think someone wants to agree to pay you $1,000 a month for something they can't see and you clearly can't describe?

If you can't spell, I'm going to assume that you can't decorate. You'll have carpet throughout, possibly wallpaper, and the most godawful cabinets and countertops available.

My other favorite move involving pictures? When the clearly retarded homeowner takes 12 pictures of the community pool and clubhouse and 1 picture of the actual home...From the outside.

Straight from craigslist:


The second problem: Descriptions.

There's nothing I want more than to base the largest single expense I'm going to have each month on a three sentence description of your home. Plenty of space AND charming?!? Where do I drop off a huge deposit and first and last month's rent because this sounds too good to be true!

Straight from craigslist:

3 bed 2 bath 2car gar in quiet cul de sac
union co schools
community pool tennis courts
lake for fishing
call ropbbie


SIGN ME THE FUCK RIGHT UP SIGHT UNSEEN! I MUST HAVE THIS!!!

The third problem: Furnished units.

I can honestly say that I have never once seen a listing for a furnished unit that even remotely reflected good taste. Put your ugly fucking furniture in storage and let people use their own shit. Oh yeah! People actually have their own beds and couches, tables and chairs, and maybe you won't believe this...But they sorta like it all. Maybe they paid a shitload for it all. Maybe they'd be interested in utilizing all of it and not going with your wicker theme. Jackass.

Straight from craigslist:


The fourth problem: The internet.

Now that there are a gazillion ways to put your home up for rent or sale you can't figure out where all the listings are. Internet savvy people place their listing in multiple places, often using craigslist. People with no clue use rent.com. Some people willing to rent are only using their professionally purchased from Staples "For Rent" sign in the yard. Then you've got your people listed through realty agencies who are more than willing to rent but you'd never know because unless you contact their agent and they let you know you're fucked.

The other day I called about five people thanks to Lady Bitchmore's sister texting me pictures and numbers of properties renting. I gave a brief explanation of who I was, when I'd be around to hopefully see the place, and both my number and an email address for them to give me information. Apparently nobody is all that interested in renting their home because not a single one of those people have gotten back to me. The realtor LB emailed with questions hasn't gotten back with us either. We need to contact that person because a loft building isn't widely advertised as for rent but we know they do from a previous visit.

We got a picture from her sister of one place that was hard to get a gauge on. We called the number. No answer, which is understandable with my out of state number. But knowing the name of the building, the location, and having a phone number enabled us to find jack fucking squat on the internet. There was the announcement on their website of the property with artist renderings, floor plans, and a contact number. Nothing else and the building is clearly built and renting at this point!

SHOW US YOUR GODDAMN PROPERTY YOU'D LIKE US TO RENT FROM YOU FOR CRYING OUT FUCKING LOUD!!!

I mean, I want to see it and I want information and I'm willing to do that work from another state even if I have to but you are making it way too difficult and for the life of me I can't figure out why you would suck so hard at selling the property you've clearly invested a shitload of money on and maybe I'm living in an alternate universe where every jackass from the east to the west coast has no problem unloading their home and nobody makes an informed decision so you can just put up an artist rendering of your building and 13 pictures of the pool and people far and wide are just going to send you piles of money or flock to your realtor like he's handing out free Cialis and I'll be a monkey's uncle if I ever call them real-TORs no matter how many fucking commercials they make which are quite clearly nothing more than passive aggressive ways of scolding all of us into pronouncing their title correctly as if they should demand the same level of respect a doctor deserves when any jackass with a couple hundred dollars can become a real-TER and also congratulations on finally landing a position almost as awesomely perceived as used car salesmen because we don't need you to decide if we like a goddamn home we just need to see the fucking thing and all you do is muck up the process and rip money from people who are already preparing to give tens of thousands of dollars to a bank above and beyond the actual price of the house because why shouldn't a $250,000 house actually cost $415,000 in payments to a bank who refuses to offer automatic payments FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF HOPING YOU MISS A FUCKING PAYMENT AND THEY CAN DROP A LATE PAYMENT FEE ON TOP OF AN OVER YOUR LIMIT FEE ON TOP OF QUALIFYING YOU FOR AN AUTOMATIC ASS-RAPE OUT OF YOUR MODERATELY DECENT INTEREST RATE STRAIGHT UP TO DOUBLE PENETRATION PROPORTIONS WHEN ALL I REALLY WANT IS SOMEBODY TO JUST FUCKING ACCURATELY DESCRIBE THEIR STUPID FUCKING HOUSE AND INCLUDE SOME HELPFUL GODDAMN PICTURES OR LINKS AND IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY SPENDING ALL OF YOUR TIME CORRECTING PEOPLE THAT YOU AREN'T A FAST FOOD WORKER YOU'RE A SANDWICH "ARTIST"?

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6 comments

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  1. elizabeth

    June 10, 2010 at 9:10 AM

    that is why i love you. and also? YEAH, seriously, people!

  1. StB

    June 10, 2010 at 12:09 PM

    Maybe it is cuz you are black?

  1. Irritable Male Syndrome

    June 10, 2010 at 12:20 PM

    Having moved 3 times in the past 5 years, I feel this post all too much. Thanks for bringing all my repressed memories back into the forefront.

    ahole.

  1. Irritable Male Syndrome

    June 10, 2010 at 12:21 PM

    Also, while I'm here, I should just say that this is the first time in forever that I've commented on a blogspot blog. I even forgot that I COULD comment!

  1. Joe Speaker

    June 10, 2010 at 3:15 PM

    This is why everybody in the universe should have their mother be a real-TOR.

    Seriously, if I'd had to go through this shit, I'd have killed somebody.

    Also, I'd have loved a pic of the vein popping out of your forehead.

  1. The Bracelet

    June 10, 2010 at 5:25 PM

    It has to be because I'm black.

    Also, I'm glad I could be the first person in ages to pry both of Chad's hands from his home brew or his lady long enough to be used for a blog comment.

    Kent, I've only just started looking and I think I've spontaneously grown 7 new gray hairs. It's awesome!