It's an odd feeling to walk into your apartment one day and find what feels like acres of empty. Gone is the foosball table (Of which I played exactly 0 games) and the desk, coffee and side tables, as well as the vast majority of kitchen gadgetry or dishware.

My roommate has almost officially moved out.

Our palatial estate seems even more palatial now that a significant majority of the stuff is missing. A lot of what we had in the place was his, mostly due to my nomadic lifestyle previous to sharing space together. Also because I'm laid back enough to not care, thus he proudly displayed everything he had.

I know him because of my second job in my current industry. It was his first, and we were paired up during training and shared a hotel room.

It's easy to become friends when you're stuck in a training class where they go at the pace of the slowest retard and neither of you has the patience for it. Frustrated with Sally Dumbfuck and her constant inability to grasp basic selling concepts, we took off on one of the free weekends in search of poontang fun.

I won't say the name of the town because that might give important information to the types of jackasses who have fucked me in the past. Because no matter where you go or who you are there will always be holier than thou douchebags ready to shove their noses in your business.

I will say that it was on the east coast and it was a small but well known university which serves the camaro and mullet crowd. We used our substantial dinner allowance to eat like paupers and drink like kings. From there we made our way to the college bars in search of gullible fatties a good time.

Many, many beers into the evening I found myself talking to some random mediocre chick. The type who rates average on any scale of any given attribute. A bit chubby, a bit fugly, a bit annoying, but more than a bit attainable. Oh, and she did have nice tits. So there was that.

Problem was, I wasn't trying to hook up with a girl who looked like Sarah Jessica Parker's slightly more attractive, but chubbier, relative. So I'd have normally just backed away slowly, possibly using a cheeseburger as a diversion, but I noticed my buddy was talking with her friend. Her chubbier, but more facially attractive friend. He seemed like he was into it and at this point I had no idea what his ideal chick was. So I figured I would have to jump on the grenade.

I became interested in her stories. I bought her a drink. Hell, I think I even looked her in the eyeballs and somehow managed to flirt with her.

My buddy is still talking to his fatty and I keep looking over in hopes that he's going to extricate himself and give me the sign that he's going to abort mission, but he doesn't seem to be anxious to leave. I sigh and turn back to Seabiscuit for some more shots to make her more attractive conversation.

We come to a group decision to head back to the apartment these girls share. It coincided with the end of the year so the one girl had moved out leaving my buddy's fatty as the only one with her stuff left in the apartment. He and her found their way to her room and Azeri and I were lounging on a blowup mattress.

I'm not going to lie when I say that I was now drunk enough that my filly was looking above average. For some reason though, she became hesitant and didn't want to do anything. A complete flip-flop from everything she had shown up to that point. Oh well, I thought, no skin off my back. I did my job in keeping Funny Cide distracted while my buddy got his groove on.

Later they drove us back to our hotel where we had this conversation...

ME: So did you hook up with her?
HIM: Just a BJ. What about you.
ME: Nope, she was really weird once we got back to the place.
HIM: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?!? I was jumping on the grenade for you!

(Massive belly laughs)

It's truly an odd time for me. My priority is moving to a new city to be with Elizabeth and sex her up with my Thrice Confirmed Huge Junk. Currently, though, I find myself in a state of transition as I can't move yet and also can't stay where I'm at. My roommate took things from possibly moving out to almost fully moved out in a matter of weeks. I'll soon be moving in to a friend's basement so that I can be leaseless. Nothing keeping me here but the cautious pressure of my finger on the trigger of change, poised for that future moment when the transitional period comes to a close.

It's empty here. I can't wait to leave. In my future there waits a better roommate. A different kind of roommate. One who I will also allow to dominate the design and outfitting of our place, but for good reason.

She lets me see her boobies.

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  1. Joe Speaker

    June 3, 2008 at 12:30 AM

    Boobies...the Great Equalizer.

  1. DrChako

    June 3, 2008 at 12:31 AM

    Grenades, BJs and boobies...

    This may be the perfect blog post.