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Now that somewhere around 5 of you are tuning in on a regular basis, I thought I'd give you something to read this evening. Am I a saint? Probably. Could I be even more awesome? Probably not. Do I enjoy asking myself questions and then immediately answering them? You fucking betcha!

Ok, so here's the thing...

If I actually continue to blog here on a regular basis, this will be something like my 7th blog. If you don't know the story and want to find out just drop a comment. I'll tell you, it's just probably pointless since I'm assuming those of you that read this would already know it. Needless to say it involved my gigantic penis, world class physique, and a rapist's wit.

Not to sidetrack, but Andrew Zimmern and his Bizarre Foods show is in Korea (and playing in the background) at a fish market and he asks his Korean friend if he has ever eaten sea squirt raw? The guy looks at him like he's crazy as Zimmern pulls out a knife to cut one up. Just then the old ladies running that booth jump in and start carving that bitch up for him like it's the most normal thing in the world to carve a stranger a fresh piece of raw sea squirt.

I never tire of watching these other countries (Including our new overlords, the Chinese) prepare and eat the most ridiculous things.

As things settle down here in my new Charlotte home I can't help but feel like a guy in need of a local sea squirt carver to make me feel welcome.

I've been here about one month and still don't truly feel as if I live here. It's not the comfort level in work and my surroundings, because I have that by now. It's something else. A tie to the area beyond Lady Bitchmore's family, I guess. Maybe it'll be a sporting league where I can cavort, sport-like, with other cavorting sporter types. Or possibly a local place where I may bring out my inner Norm.

I don't know. I'm sure something will do it I just don't know what it will be and when.

My hope is that it'll include beer and boobies when it does.

The ride from Michigan to North Carolina was smooth.

Well, smooth in that we didn't have any hiccups. Otherwise it was bumpy as fuck through Michigan and into parts of Ohio, forcing me to wonder if my Uhaul truck had any suspension at all. But because I'm a dainty pretty boy with exactly zero auto skillz, I was unable to do anything more than put my foot on the gas and hope for the best.

The best was 75mph.

Anything over that and a governor would kick in. Not Michigan's governor, of course, she's worthless. (Thank you, I'll be here all week) But that only mattered through half the journey as the other half was mountains and not exactly the kind of area you want to drive a 26ft truck like it's a sports car.

Both Lady Bitchmore and myself have iPhones. She would be driving the family truckster, complete with adjustable seats and auxiliary plug for musical or podcast goodness. I, on the other hand, was driving a circa 1490's truck with no adjustable seat and no way to plug my iPhone or iPod in like a FUCKING NEANDERTHAL!

So we came up with a great plan. I would take our speaker docking station into the truck with me and use the fancy car charger I have for work. It's a converter that plugs into your cigarette lighter and allows you to plug in your standard wall socket shit. I need it for work but it was going to be perfect for my moving truck. It's also one of the coolest things I've picked up from any work I've done. Other cool things work has given me over the years include Playstation 2's (9 of them. Seriously.), Odyssey White Hot putters (4 of them), TV's, DVD players, a chance to touch and get my picture taken with the Stanley Cup, a shitload (Industry term) of expensive booze for free, and multiple attractive female coworkers that may or may not have experienced my two patented lovemaking techniques. Those would be The Thumper and The Jackrabbit.

What exactly are The Thumper and The Jackrabbit? Buy me a beer and I'll show you.

If you're ugly buy me 7 American beers or 6 imports and I'll show you. If you're really ugly you'll have to ask a friend to find out for you. She'll need anywhere from 1 to 7 beers, depending on her features.

Anyhow, we ended up stopping halfway because we didn't get on the road until 5pm. Eleven hours in the truck, through the mountains, sleepy, and in the dark, just didn't seem like a smart move. We stopped at a classy Best Western just shy of West Virginia.

This was crucial.

Not only did it allow us to refresh for the last half of our drive, but because we were in Ohio and not West Virginia, our chances of getting butt-raped by bearded locals with banjos was significantly decreased.

So I couldn't hear shit in the truck, we split the drive into two days, and once we got here it turned out that our closest confidant was really a double agent and we were about to be fucked until we intercepted some important data and preemptively struck after quickly assembling a team of misfit former seal types (One black, one foreign, one funny, and one extremely capable) and when the dance battle ensued it was all over.

We had finally become residents of North Carolina.

So, we are finally settled in and I'm loving it here.  I get to be close to my sister, my nieces, my Mom (this is a double-edged sword but so far, so good), and in a place that is warmer and prettier and right next door from a yummy French bakery, from which I currently sit while my new, shinier floor is drying.  My man gets to be surrounded by my family (he is a total trooper), go to work in 95 degree heat in a suit every day, and be hundreds of miles from (most of) his friends and family.  Clearly, I have the better deal in this scenario, but I lived in the MIDWEST for over a YEAR.  I deserve it!  Besides, he already had a poker night and he no longer has to hear me bitch about the weather, the lack of decent pizza and the weather. 
Being broke due to the move has kept us from experiencing all of the things our fine new city has to offer, but that will turn around soon.  Until then, we will have to be satisfied with making delicious meals together in our new, improved larger kitchen, drinking wine from the Italian provisions store a few miles away and...wait.  Being broke is way better here.  I'm ok with it.  Next on the to-do list: make art and sell it, discover new restaurants and bars, and take pictures of our new place.  Life is rough down south.

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I'm thinking the phases of moving to a new state go something like this:

1. Excitement

Fucking A, everybody! I'm moving to Charlotte, I'm moving to Charlotte, I'm moving to Charlotte!!! It's going to be better, I can feel it. Our rent will be cheaper, our place will be better, the temperatures will be warmer, and at least five times a year I'm going to look down and swear that my dick is bigger!

(And it's already pretty damn big.)

((Hear that, ladies?))

Honestly, who wouldn't get excited at the prospect of moving to a new place? Well, unless the new place was Detroit. It's no mistake that many moving companies have 3 or 4 locations and one just always seems to be Michigan.

(That's because lots of people move out of Michigan. Now try to follow along, OK?)

People move out of Michigan in a pulsating way. Waves of exodus due to the economy, the economy, or the blacks.

Hahahaha, I'm just kidding.

It's the A-rabs.

Damn, I'm slaying me tonight.

(It's really just the economy and weather.)

Actually, Michigan can be downright awesome for like, 3 months a year. Unless you like really cold snowy weather where the snow never accumulates and the ice on the roads destroys your car. Then it's awesome for almost the whole entire year!

2. Worry

Am I going to be accepted in the land of uneducated, accent of the stupid, put on some goddamn deoderant, why do you still speak like a dipshit when all the programs you watch have people who speak normally NASCAR fans?

(Aww, I'm just kidding NASCAR fans. I know you don't know any better. I shouldn't make fun of you. )

Will moving to a new place disrupt the many things I've been working on while residing in Michigan? Does North Carolina support high enough internet speeds for me to maintain my 3-monitor masturbatory routine? Will we have HGTV so I can finish my thesis that Michael Holmes from Holmes on Holmes is really just a planted agent of the female agenda to make men across the world start wearing overalls again as an emasculating tool meant to undermine man's rightful place as the breadwinning, master of the household? To what extent can I peep?

Really, it's going to be a big transition. Worry is a big part. Part 2, actually. Of the phases.

3. Confidence

I'm certainly going to find a fantastic deal on movers because I've got mad google skillz (See 2003's Shemale on Midget mpeg success rate) and I've got nothing to worry about, right? I mean, there are deals to be had and the economy sucks and I think it was just a new moon which has something to do with karma and I haven't made fun of retards or anything for weeks so this has gotta happen, right?

Actually, yeah. You'll find a good deal in this stage. It just isn't always the type of deal you think it would be. We quickly went from possibly paying for movers a certain weekend to moving ourselves a weekend earlier because of a good deal. That's quite a big difference when you get down to it. Sure, we were going to be packing boxes anyways, so moving them onto a truck shouldn't be that bad. But guess what, douchebag? It's totally that bad.

4. Insanity

As the shitload of boxes you acquired run out and you've got many awkward sized things yet to box you quickly realize that it's a goatfuck of epic proportions. You've packed things that you now know you should have left out for your last few days. Five times a day you shoot to attention with out of the blue half-brained ideas on where to find boxes, or how to save money on the rental truck, or how witty wall posts on your ex-girlfriend's facebook page each day might result in a recreation of that one time in the courtyard of that Key West bed and breakfast where any animals up that early were simultaneously blushing and nodding their heads in approval.

5. Excitement

In the end it comes full circle as you realize all the stress and insanity fades with each filled box and utility confirmed. With some loading, a drive, and some unloading, it becomes clear that it's just a tiny fraction of a fraction of madness for what will certainly be a fantastic new phase in your life.

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