I'm thinking the phases of moving to a new state go something like this:

1. Excitement

Fucking A, everybody! I'm moving to Charlotte, I'm moving to Charlotte, I'm moving to Charlotte!!! It's going to be better, I can feel it. Our rent will be cheaper, our place will be better, the temperatures will be warmer, and at least five times a year I'm going to look down and swear that my dick is bigger!

(And it's already pretty damn big.)

((Hear that, ladies?))

Honestly, who wouldn't get excited at the prospect of moving to a new place? Well, unless the new place was Detroit. It's no mistake that many moving companies have 3 or 4 locations and one just always seems to be Michigan.

(That's because lots of people move out of Michigan. Now try to follow along, OK?)

People move out of Michigan in a pulsating way. Waves of exodus due to the economy, the economy, or the blacks.

Hahahaha, I'm just kidding.

It's the A-rabs.

Damn, I'm slaying me tonight.

(It's really just the economy and weather.)

Actually, Michigan can be downright awesome for like, 3 months a year. Unless you like really cold snowy weather where the snow never accumulates and the ice on the roads destroys your car. Then it's awesome for almost the whole entire year!

2. Worry

Am I going to be accepted in the land of uneducated, accent of the stupid, put on some goddamn deoderant, why do you still speak like a dipshit when all the programs you watch have people who speak normally NASCAR fans?

(Aww, I'm just kidding NASCAR fans. I know you don't know any better. I shouldn't make fun of you. )

Will moving to a new place disrupt the many things I've been working on while residing in Michigan? Does North Carolina support high enough internet speeds for me to maintain my 3-monitor masturbatory routine? Will we have HGTV so I can finish my thesis that Michael Holmes from Holmes on Holmes is really just a planted agent of the female agenda to make men across the world start wearing overalls again as an emasculating tool meant to undermine man's rightful place as the breadwinning, master of the household? To what extent can I peep?

Really, it's going to be a big transition. Worry is a big part. Part 2, actually. Of the phases.

3. Confidence

I'm certainly going to find a fantastic deal on movers because I've got mad google skillz (See 2003's Shemale on Midget mpeg success rate) and I've got nothing to worry about, right? I mean, there are deals to be had and the economy sucks and I think it was just a new moon which has something to do with karma and I haven't made fun of retards or anything for weeks so this has gotta happen, right?

Actually, yeah. You'll find a good deal in this stage. It just isn't always the type of deal you think it would be. We quickly went from possibly paying for movers a certain weekend to moving ourselves a weekend earlier because of a good deal. That's quite a big difference when you get down to it. Sure, we were going to be packing boxes anyways, so moving them onto a truck shouldn't be that bad. But guess what, douchebag? It's totally that bad.

4. Insanity

As the shitload of boxes you acquired run out and you've got many awkward sized things yet to box you quickly realize that it's a goatfuck of epic proportions. You've packed things that you now know you should have left out for your last few days. Five times a day you shoot to attention with out of the blue half-brained ideas on where to find boxes, or how to save money on the rental truck, or how witty wall posts on your ex-girlfriend's facebook page each day might result in a recreation of that one time in the courtyard of that Key West bed and breakfast where any animals up that early were simultaneously blushing and nodding their heads in approval.

5. Excitement

In the end it comes full circle as you realize all the stress and insanity fades with each filled box and utility confirmed. With some loading, a drive, and some unloading, it becomes clear that it's just a tiny fraction of a fraction of madness for what will certainly be a fantastic new phase in your life.


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  1. elizabeth

    July 20, 2010 at 10:25 AM

    I'm stuck in excitement mode, with moments of ugh-moving-is-fucking-annoying-and-too-much-work

  1. Joe Speaker

    July 20, 2010 at 2:10 PM

    Thinking about moving is actually worse than physically moving.

    Then again, I paid three Mexicans to do all my moving and what they didn't do, Emet did while I drank Sun Tea in my underwear.

    I'm a catch.

  1. The Bracelet

    July 21, 2010 at 7:36 AM

    Thanks for helping shape the final days of our move, Kent. While I don't like Sun Tea I have plenty of underwear and feel like a nice pulpy lemonade would do the trick while Elizabeth loads and unloads the truck.

    This is going to be soooo much easier now.