~

As we move closer to our move date we continue to get frustrated over people's lack of effort and desire in renting their home to us I had a few more things to get off my chest.

Really, you're listing "View from unit" as the first feature that comes with your condo?

Here, let me help you fill out the rest of that fantastic list.

View from unit
Floor throughout
Windows on all wall openings
Dedicated walling
Entryway door
Unique city address
Hot AND Cold faucets and showers (YOU GET TO CHOOSE!)

I mean, really?!?

So our first opportunity to check places out in person will be this week and next week. If we can't find anything, or can't get a look at all the properties we want to, Lady Bitchmore will stay another week and try to solidify things. At bare minimum she'll be down there for a week by herself. Well, she has family down there but I mean without me. I've gotta come back and make the bacon because I've found that you literally can not afford bacon if you don't go out and make bacon first. It's a bit of a bacon conundrum. Needless to say, I do need some bacon so I'll be back making it...err...buying it. Or whatever. Dammit, between the bacon and the shitty condo details I'm going to give myself an aneurysm. I should move on.

We have a guy coming to look at our stuff today to determine weight. If everything we own falls under 3,000 pounds we'll be able to have them move for us and not have to rent a uhaul. If this happens it will be a huge burden off my well oiled and sculpted shoulders. Basically that would keep our cost around par with renting and driving our own shit down there, and as much as I want to drive a 20ft truck while simultaneously towing 20 more feet of my vehicle behind me through the mountains of West Virginia I think I'll pass on that if I can. I love leisurely truck rides through the mountains at 45 mph as much as the next guy but I do prefer speeding through the same area in my car more.

Another small pet peeve I have is the moving van, van line, whatever, industry. While some independent moving companies have been helpful, the bigger ones almost routinely refuse to give out any rate over the phone. Look, asshole, if I know how much my shit weighs, and you base everything on weight not size, how is it impossible to give me a quote? In fact, I'm just trying not to waste your time. Perhaps you'd rather send someone out to analyze all my shit instead, come up with a similar amount, give me the quote you could have told me over the phone, and then have me tell you in person to go fuck yourself? Because I can do that. I have a whore mouth like that.

Or you could spend your time more wisely and let me know if what I'm looking for is something you can compete with.

Amazingly though, I was able to get out of them that the less my shit weighed the less priority it had on their very wide delivery window. If I ended up as their smallest load they could take it halfway around the country first and drop my shit off 2 weeks later on the high end. Really, major van line? That sounds fantastic! Why wouldn't I want to let you come see my shit so you can fuck me on how heavy your eyeballs think my stuff is, then deliver it at your leisure over the next half month. Awesome! Where do I give you a deposit?

What's that?

You don't ask for any money until delivery?

Well fuck me with an independent movers stupid 5 day guarantee because if that's one of your selling points I've got a great condo with flooring throughout and a view from the unit to sell you.

~

~

I have it on good authority that in September 2010 there will be a 9.0 earthquake that rocks the west coast.

How do I know this?

Well, perhaps my mildly retarded friend and his video camera can explain...



This is the reason Lady Bitchmore and I are moving to Charlotte, NC. In fact, part of our decision was based on their state motto.

EXPERIENCE NORTH CAROLINA! Sunny and beautiful, plus our mildly retarded aren't at all worried about earthquakes!

It was the clincher, really.

Enjoy your weekend. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

(Which gives you a pretty wide berth)

~

~

Lady Bitchmore and I have been scouring craigslist and other outlets for a place to live in our future neighborhood. It's a good time to be looking, but an annoying era in which to do so.

The first problem: Pictures.

In what world do you live where you think you can put a pathetic description of your expensive house up for rent and fail to include a goddamn picture?!? You can't even fucking spell correctly, and worse than that, you aren't smart enough to click on spell check. But that aside, what makes you think someone wants to agree to pay you $1,000 a month for something they can't see and you clearly can't describe?

If you can't spell, I'm going to assume that you can't decorate. You'll have carpet throughout, possibly wallpaper, and the most godawful cabinets and countertops available.

My other favorite move involving pictures? When the clearly retarded homeowner takes 12 pictures of the community pool and clubhouse and 1 picture of the actual home...From the outside.

Straight from craigslist:


The second problem: Descriptions.

There's nothing I want more than to base the largest single expense I'm going to have each month on a three sentence description of your home. Plenty of space AND charming?!? Where do I drop off a huge deposit and first and last month's rent because this sounds too good to be true!

Straight from craigslist:

3 bed 2 bath 2car gar in quiet cul de sac
union co schools
community pool tennis courts
lake for fishing
call ropbbie

SIGN ME THE FUCK RIGHT UP SIGHT UNSEEN! I MUST HAVE THIS!!!

The third problem: Furnished units.

I can honestly say that I have never once seen a listing for a furnished unit that even remotely reflected good taste. Put your ugly fucking furniture in storage and let people use their own shit. Oh yeah! People actually have their own beds and couches, tables and chairs, and maybe you won't believe this...But they sorta like it all. Maybe they paid a shitload for it all. Maybe they'd be interested in utilizing all of it and not going with your wicker theme. Jackass.

Straight from craigslist:


The fourth problem: The internet.

Now that there are a gazillion ways to put your home up for rent or sale you can't figure out where all the listings are. Internet savvy people place their listing in multiple places, often using craigslist. People with no clue use rent.com. Some people willing to rent are only using their professionally purchased from Staples "For Rent" sign in the yard. Then you've got your people listed through realty agencies who are more than willing to rent but you'd never know because unless you contact their agent and they let you know you're fucked.

The other day I called about five people thanks to Lady Bitchmore's sister texting me pictures and numbers of properties renting. I gave a brief explanation of who I was, when I'd be around to hopefully see the place, and both my number and an email address for them to give me information. Apparently nobody is all that interested in renting their home because not a single one of those people have gotten back to me. The realtor LB emailed with questions hasn't gotten back with us either. We need to contact that person because a loft building isn't widely advertised as for rent but we know they do from a previous visit.

We got a picture from her sister of one place that was hard to get a gauge on. We called the number. No answer, which is understandable with my out of state number. But knowing the name of the building, the location, and having a phone number enabled us to find jack fucking squat on the internet. There was the announcement on their website of the property with artist renderings, floor plans, and a contact number. Nothing else and the building is clearly built and renting at this point!

SHOW US YOUR GODDAMN PROPERTY YOU'D LIKE US TO RENT FROM YOU FOR CRYING OUT FUCKING LOUD!!!

I mean, I want to see it and I want information and I'm willing to do that work from another state even if I have to but you are making it way too difficult and for the life of me I can't figure out why you would suck so hard at selling the property you've clearly invested a shitload of money on and maybe I'm living in an alternate universe where every jackass from the east to the west coast has no problem unloading their home and nobody makes an informed decision so you can just put up an artist rendering of your building and 13 pictures of the pool and people far and wide are just going to send you piles of money or flock to your realtor like he's handing out free Cialis and I'll be a monkey's uncle if I ever call them real-TORs no matter how many fucking commercials they make which are quite clearly nothing more than passive aggressive ways of scolding all of us into pronouncing their title correctly as if they should demand the same level of respect a doctor deserves when any jackass with a couple hundred dollars can become a real-TER and also congratulations on finally landing a position almost as awesomely perceived as used car salesmen because we don't need you to decide if we like a goddamn home we just need to see the fucking thing and all you do is muck up the process and rip money from people who are already preparing to give tens of thousands of dollars to a bank above and beyond the actual price of the house because why shouldn't a $250,000 house actually cost $415,000 in payments to a bank who refuses to offer automatic payments FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF HOPING YOU MISS A FUCKING PAYMENT AND THEY CAN DROP A LATE PAYMENT FEE ON TOP OF AN OVER YOUR LIMIT FEE ON TOP OF QUALIFYING YOU FOR AN AUTOMATIC ASS-RAPE OUT OF YOUR MODERATELY DECENT INTEREST RATE STRAIGHT UP TO DOUBLE PENETRATION PROPORTIONS WHEN ALL I REALLY WANT IS SOMEBODY TO JUST FUCKING ACCURATELY DESCRIBE THEIR STUPID FUCKING HOUSE AND INCLUDE SOME HELPFUL GODDAMN PICTURES OR LINKS AND IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY SPENDING ALL OF YOUR TIME CORRECTING PEOPLE THAT YOU AREN'T A FAST FOOD WORKER YOU'RE A SANDWICH "ARTIST"?

~

~

Sure you do.

If you're a lady you've no doubt masturbated with me in mind on many occasion.

If you're a dude you probably have the same sort of man-crush on me that I have on that dude from Holmes on Holmes. It's an appreciation of being really really good at something that you aren't. In my case, handsomeness and awesometownliness.

It's a word. Shut up.

So a while back the girlfriend and I started up this little space because we thought it would be interesting to write about our experiences moving in together from 501 miles apart. It was an amazing idea. I still pat myself on the back, though I have to use my right hand each time because my left forearm is extraordinarily muscular from years of "surfing" the net and I can no longer bend my wrist. On a side note, I'm a fantastic butter churner. I can go all day.

Back to my point, though. We fired off a few posts and all was on track until we got sidetracked. Work was tough for her to come by, money became tight, I'd exhausted all free porn videos available on the net, and work was refusing to allow me to transfer to where I wanted to be. All of a sudden my free time for blogging about how large my penis is (We're talking monstrous, ladies) became time better spent going gray and working on a new right hand technique.

But guess what?

Good things come to those who wait. Well, to be fair it also happens to douchebags who don't deserve it. I see it every day, but that's another story. Good things for us, and maybe even good things for you, because it's entirely possible this brings a (or this) blog back from the depths of unusedness.

Totally a word.

So what happened?

The Bracelet-Bitchmore Compound is relocating to Charlotte, NC. A place where (I'm not going to lie in this space because it's not my style) I'll be excited to have a whole new set of minority faces to look at.

Look, I understand that Arab Americans are some of the most pleasant and fantastic looking people on the planet. Not hairy at all, delightful personalities full of sing-songy and melodic speech patterns, and clearly they are everybody's buddy. But it'll be nice to walk in to a gas station, or donut shop, or liquor store, or grocery store, or any store and not see "Sam" or his cousin in his affliction shirt greeting me.

You're probably thinking that I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. The population in the D is around 800,000. The neighboring Arab population is about 400,000. It's great that you can get great hommoulli and tabboush, but I need a change of scenery.

I'll be sad to no longer have access to all the friends and family that are here, but I'll be excited to finally live in a place that is on the upswing. A place where I will see more sun. I can play golf all year, maintain a farmer's tan year round, increase the area's consumption of Diet Mountain Dew, and pick up some annoying habits y'all!

So maybe Lady Bitchmore and I will start writing about this new experience. Maybe just me. Who knows?

But, come two months from now I'll be calling a new state home for the first time in 20 years.

I'll call it home, but despite the struggles of the D and my dislike for many things related to it, this has been my home for a long time. I've a million great memories and I'll be judging the hell out of North Carolina against them. Still, it'll be hard not to swap this:



For this:


~